Rebekah's Path to Being Healthy

Feeling Overwhelmed

2009-12-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling quite good. Confident, positive, able to take on the tasks that lay ahead. Quickly by about 5 minutes of being at work I lost that feeling and received a massive feeling of being overwhelmed.

I didn't help that as I weighed myself this morning I weighed in extra 2 pounds. We really ate too much over the weekend and enjoyed more beer and peanuts then is normal, at least for me on any given day. Not too much mind you, just more than I normally consume. But I was confident that these 2 pounds will be quickly gone again. I'm going to start working back into morning exercise and walking at lunch. I've been doing my exercises given to me by the physical therapist and am hoping that I can get back into my walk at home aerobics soon and work in some other more intense aerobic activities as well.

I still feel confident that these two pounds will be gone as soon as possible, and am not beating myself up over them, but work is extremely stressful. Let me explain.

My department has approximately 17 cases. I have 9, the other paralegal has 8. Although we help out each other on cases for instance if one person has 2 major deadlines and other other has none, then we'll help the other one out on their projects. But the problem is none of the attorneys apparently trust the work the other paralegal does so they come to me for everything. Its causing several major issue, one I can't do everything, two she'll never learn if they don't take the time to work with her and train her, three it'll in the end cause working tension between her and I, and four I can't continually work at an insane pace without burning out.

But HOW? oh HOW? do I combat this. Today there is a major filing in one of her cases. THey keep turning to me to help out. I told them, fine I'd help in the preparation of the documents but they also had to have her do them because she has to learn. I don't think they listened. And I'm about fed up.

Any advice?

I'm determined to walk today. We'll see if it works out.

As a happy thought though, here is a picture of NIck and I on a recent hike at PIckle Springs, MO. We had a great time and I can't wait to do more hiking around Missouri.

Phase 2 is Postponed

2009-11-30T14:10:00.001-08:00

It appears that my achy thigh is either a stress fracture or a muscle strain, and this is the diagnosis after an MRI. Either way I'm off to physical therapy to hopefully build up my core muscles if it is a muscle strain and learn how to exercise so as to not injure myself further. At least that is the way I'm looking at it. Sometimes I just want to beat my head against a wall because its always something. Why can't my pains be easy like an obvious break or tear. Not saying I want an obvious break or tear, but I'm tired of the wishy washy way my body works. It took 2 years to diagnose ovarian cysts. 2 years! In the meantime I'm in pain, no one can tell me why, and I swear my doctor's all think I'm insane. My goal the next few weeks is to maintain my current weight loss and do some pilates for strength. And not try to get wallowed down in self-pity that seems to evade my thoughts every moment about how hard it is for me to get any type of satisfactory diagnosis that isn't followed by a "but it could be".

Starting Phase 2

2009-11-19T08:14:00.000-08:00

It seems like my weight-loss journey will be broken into 2 phases. Phase 1 was the phase where I went from obeseity to overweight. I learned to enjoy exercising again, took up bike riding, left shoping in the plus size department, and learned that i don't have to starve myself or deprive myself to lose weight. The last thing is I think is one of the most important things I've learned. I've learned that I don't have to deprive myself of hamburgers, the occassional pizza, beer, wine, to lose weight. BUt I do have to balance those things out by watching other empty calories I consume, and by exercise. And on the exercise front I don't have to kill myself, I can take days off, weeks off if I need to, or even longer. As long as each aspect is balanced by another, it all works. I may not be losing weight at lightening speed, but I am consistently losing so that is what matters in the long haul. Another part of Phase 1 was learning to listen to what my body needs, not to exercise if it hurts, exercise extra if I feel great, eat certain things when I crave them, not eat certain things when I'm just bored, and find a happy median.

Phase 2 is now beginning. Phase 2 is where I lose the last 20 pounds so I'll be out of the "overweight" category, and hopefully I'll lose an additional 20 pounds to be in the middle of the ideal weight for my height. Phase 2 will be used to increase my endurance and lung capacity. To jump start this I'm slowly going to take up jogging. First I'll waog on Tuesday and Thursdays at lunch. Waogging is Walking....Jogging....Walking.....Jogging, etc. IN addition I'm running the stairs at least once at the Arch grounds. Not sure how many there are, at least 40. I should count them next Tuesday.

I'd like to work on having greater endurance and lung capacity before next summer so exercising will be easier. I figure winter is the best time to do this as its cooler out and I don't overheat as easily.

Again, I'll say it, I'm hoping that doing this in what sometimes seems like slow motion, will help me inculcate these things into my daily life so that this isn't just a diet, its a life, and thus I'll stay fit for life. I think I have a good chance this time, my attitude about this is so different then last time.

This is a current picture of me from this week. Of course I'm extra happy because I'm in my hand-knit vest I finished on Sunday, but for once I don't hate a picture of myself.

Slowly Moving Forward

2009-10-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks, just haven't gone as planned. There has not been much in the way of exercising. Oh shoot, I'll be honest, there has been no exercising. BUt the good news is, the lack of exercising has helped my thigh heal. In fact I haven't had pain in it for days which is great considering, I've had pain in it since early June.

The amazing news is I've still continued to lose weight, in fact I'm down another 4 pounds in the last two weeks. So although things haven't gone as planned, at least I'm still moving in the right direction.

The next few weeks will be quite difficult. We have an immense amount of work to be done at my office on my team, 3 appellate briefs and a trial to prep for.

No doubt I'll be very tired and worn out, but hopefully I'll be able to squeeze in some sort of exercise. I have to continue or I'll fall completely out of habit. But each day I remind myself how far I've come so as to not get discouraged and that helps. Now if I can just actually get myself out of bed in the morning and into my workout clothes, that would even be better.

Alas, tomorrow is another day to try and succeed. And with this coach, Django, he might bite my butt if I don't!

Monday Goals

2009-10-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last week I failed on at least one aspect of my goals, I only worked out Monday through Wednesday. My leg was killing me, and I didn't get much sleep the rest of the week, so I bailed. I didn't start out well today either, as I did not wake up to work out. Instead I slept another 40 minutes since I took Tylenol PM last night, to hopefully get a better night's sleep. It worked, but I was too groggy to work-out. Tonight I'm going to try taking some ibuprofen without a sleep aid, hope that helps, and then get up and work-out tomorrow. I think the sleeping poorly is why I've been an just a horrid mood the last couple of weeks.

So this week, I hope to:

Work out Tuesday-Thursday
Walk at lunch on Tuesday and Friday
Eat more vegetables
Drink more water
Ride bikes at least once over the weekend.

If I don't, this guy might get me.

Negativity - Just Say No!

2009-10-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

So many people in this world are negative all the time. I don't know how they do it. I've been in a grumpy mood for two weeks and I'm exhausted. Being negative or contrary does no good. Instead of putting someone down or in their place, why not build them up, or encourage. If someone says something you disagree with, put it nicely, find a way that doesn't make it seem like you're saying their stupid.

Being negative can bring down a path to healthiness like no other. This, is part of the reason I don't want to walk any more with the woman I've been walking with at work. She's so negative and it feels like a chore. Workouts can't be a chore, they have to be fun and interesting. Or at least encouraging. I'm going to have to find a way to not walk with her. I've been enjoying my knitting lunches, and my leg (well until yesterday) was feeling miles better. Yesterday though it did a 360 on the healing process and by the end of the work day I felt like I could barely walk. I didn't work out yesterday morning, because I was exhausted, and today I didn't work out because of my leg. But I'm going to have to find a combative way around this because I'm not losing hardly any weight at the moment and this is not acceptable. I don't care if I only lose a 1/2 pound a week, but I must continue losing. At least I'm not gaining. Next week I'm going to try to add some different foods into my lunch and I'm going to maybe try some different workouts throughout the week like Pilates. But I think walking will be out for now, because its the walking that seems to aggravate this muscle in my thigh the most. I wonder if I tore the muscle a bit.

I'm going to try hard to not be negative, the one good thing about noticing a character flaw in someone else, is you can hopefully recognize that aspect in yourself then and work hard to not be like that. I'm going to try and stay positive no matter what about my weight loss. It doesn't matter if it takes another 5 years to get the last 50 pounds off, but as long as I'm always striving to reach my goals I won't slip in the other direction and I can feel good about my progress and stability.

I have a quote taped to my monitor at work it says: "Success if ound in making small lifestyle changes for their own sake rather than for loosing weight. Forever is the key concept, ever mindful of the process you design, and ever learning from your mistakes." Author Unknown.

Its a good quote, and one I hope to live by for a very long time.

So be positive today, and remember even in a bad day there are good things.

Good things about this week so far:

I've gotten a lot of time to knit and am making great progress on my sweater vest.
My desk has stayed clean for about two weeks.
I know that I have the power to conquer my battle of weight.

Unreasonableness

2009-10-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

Personal Rant Ahead: I HATE PEOPLE THAT ARE UNREASONABLE! Okay hate is a strong word, but they make everyone else around them miserable. Why can't people understand that you can't always have everything your own way. And if you insist on always having things your own way, don't get annoyed when people are forced to ask a question of you because they are afraid if they don't ask they'll do it wrong and they'll you'll get annoyed!

I think they missed the day of kindergarten when it was taught that you can't always have your own way.

Okay personal rant over. You may return to your regular scheduled broadcast.

This Week's Focus

2009-10-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

Monday will be my what I'm going to do this week and what I'm not going to do this week posts from now on, okay, at least for a while. So here it goes:

I'm not going to focus on how much weight I still need to lose
I'm going to get up each morning and workout.
I'm not going to walk at lunchtime, but instead take that hour to knit.
I'm not going to feel guilty about not walking at lunch time.
My leg has been hurting increasingly more, so I think I need to cut out one of my workouts during the day to give it more time to recooperate each day. And since aerobics in the morning is more multi-muscle I will keep that going while cutting out the mid-day walk.
I will not let others make me feel guilty about not walking at lunch.
I'm going to try to not let little things bug me, and realize I can not control everything, and sometimes even the things I can control, will go haywire for that day.
I'm going to remember that each day is a good day, and the bad moments are just that moments that will quickly pass.
I'm not going to be mad all week.
I'm going to remember I'm allowed to say No.
I'm going to realize that I don't have to fix everything immediately.

Now let's see how I do.

Really, only Thursday?

2009-10-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

This week seems to be creeping along. And today I'm beyond grumpy. Here's why:

I dropped my bag in a mud puddle.
But not just any mud puddle, a puddle in the parking garage that has greasy water.
It my favorite bag for carrying all my junk, I hope it washes up.
My Django dog bit me because I was trying to make him go into the kitchen instead of getting his biscuit in bed.
He never bites down, but he hurt my feelings.
My knitting is making me mad.
I have another blasted doctor's appointment tomorrow, and I feel like a big loser over this whole business with pain. And a big baby.
Nick gets tomorrow off and I have to work.
I love rainy days, but because of the whole puddle issue, I really hate today and its going to rain all day.
I wish I was at home in the bed and the dogs had to go to work.
I forgot my pattern book to look over at lunch.
I've only lost 1/2 pound this week.

Tuesday - Yep, I double-checked

2009-10-06T07:17:00.000-07:00

I really like the list idea, I'm going to go with it.

I didn't work out Thursday-Sunday. I have no excuse why not.

I did work out yesterday, went on a 38 minute walk at lunch (2.5 miles) and did 33 minutes of aerobics in morning.

Today I did 50 minutes of aerobics, plan to go on a walk at lunch, but its possible the weather will not cooperate.

Django is sleeping on the bed today. Its raining. He hates the rain.

Abner is no doubt laying outside in the rain - if it has stopped thundering.

I bought new pants and tops this weekend, I actually look decent for work again.

I have to go on a shot for endometriosis. It is supposed to help with the cysts.

I'll probably have menopausal symptoms. BUt since I already have hot flashes at night, its no big deal.

Nick has Friday off. I have a doctor's appointment. He'll do something fun. I obviously won't.

Now comes the difficult part of weightloss. The other side of half way there.

I'm a tad grumpy today. I think its because my hair is pulled back to tight.

I'm sleepy. I think its because its gloomy and would be a good day to sit inside and knit.
This picture has no purpose, but its pretty and makes me happy.
I should have brought my knitting in case its raining at lunch.

Lists

2009-10-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

My sister recently started a blog and does things by lists. I like it. Its easy to read, fun to read, and she puts in 3 good things for the day. I think this falls under the "healthy" category. So today I'm going to list some things;

People shouldn't take out their bad day on others. Whenever this one co-worker has a bad day, she has to make sure she makes the day miserable for the rest of us. I hope I am never guilty of that.

Mom's are great for talking things out with.

Sisters are handy for that too.

Friends aren't bad either.

Its storming outside, that makes me happy.

We are having French Onion Soup for dinner, that makes me happier.

I'm wearing a sweater in size large, that makes me joyous, considering last year a 2X was often tight.

My dogs are awesome.

My parrot is a teenager and grumpy right now.

I love my job -- just sometimes don't like all the people.

I've lost 2 pounds this week.

Why is buying underwear the last thing we think about?

My stomach is making noises.

I'm so excited fall and winter are coming are way, I hope we have a really cold winter.

How is it that I adore winter and my sister and her family hate it? I'm pretty sure they were grown in pods.

Why do some people always need positive affirmation?

Okay sometimes I do to, but the individual spoken of in bullet 1, needs it constantly and if she does not receive it, we go to bullet 1.

Our last long bike ride was nearly 51 miles.

I'm hoping either this weekend or next we'll get a 51 mile bike ride in, depending on which weekend we go to a two-day assembly.

Good things about today:

I'm not 237 pounds anymore.

Coffee tastes good again (it was odd-tasting yesterday)

French Onion soup for dinner.

40% of Goal

2009-09-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached 40%, I didn't think I'd ever make it, but finally on Sunday I reached it. September has not been a good month for working out. But I keep telling myself the longer it takes to reach maintenance weight the better habits and lessons I'm learning, and hopefully it means the longer I'll keep the weight off. hopefully permanently.

In other news, I had a CT Scan last week because of a pain in my side I've now had for over 2 years. AFter multiple ultrasounds with my OB/GYN, thinking it was a cyst - and they never showed anything - my OB/GYN sent me to my normal doctor. I didn't go, and didn't go, and finally a cuople weeks back when the pain came again I was so sick of it I called and made an appointment. He ordered a CT Scan, and guess what it showed, an ovarian cyst. Don't know why the ultrasounds never showed it. But anyway, now I wait to hear back from the OB/GYN after she reviews the scan and then I guess I find out what we do next. The thing I'm scared of is they'll do nothing and even though the pain has lessened over the last year, I'll be dealing with the coming and going pain 2 more years from now.

Oh well, the doctor's know best I guess.

So 40% took longer then 30%, but 50% I'm afraid will even take longer. The closer I get to my goal weight the longer it'll take to lose the weight. But this I accept.

Moderation

2009-09-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes for me being moderate when I have a goal is extremely difficult. Its either all or nothing. I'm learning this round of weight loss, that moderation is a key to me. I have to be willing to give myself a day off when I need it, or a week off when I'm sick, and not beat myself up over it. If I constantly beat myself up, then I get discouraged and quit, or I what happened last time, I got to my goal then went completely off the exercise regimine and eventually gained all the weight back. So I'm striving to learn moderation. Its a difficult thing for me. But this morning, although I feel guilty now, I woke up and just couldn't work out. So I didn't. I knew, even though I had two weeks off recently from the morning workouts, I just needed this morning off. So I took it. Now I feel guilty, but I'm trying hard not to.

I'm also being more moderate in my eating habits, I allow myself foods I really like, like an occassional hamburger, I even had a huge piece of Cherry pie at my mother-in-laws. I'm hoping that by finding the key to moderation will be the key to permanent weight loss.

I promised pictures. So here I was back in late May (the pink shirt). I think this was around Memorial Day weekend. It was about 8 pounds into my weight loss (I think). This is the most recent picture I have. This was approximately August 15th. So its a month old. I've lost about 5 or 6 pounds since then. With our trip and other factors we haven't taken any posed weight loss pictures sine then, but this weekend we should on our bike ride tomorrow.

Tomorrow the goal is over 45 miles. We'll see if we accomplish it, the weather is supposed to be nice though, high of only 75. And considering I'm now under 200 (barely but I'm there), it should be doable.

Bike Riding with a Head Cold

2009-09-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

Saturday, even though I was still fighting the end of my head cold, we went on a really nice bike ride from Alton, Illinois to Pere Marquette State Park. It was 40.88 miles round trip. I was exhausted when I was done but really proud of myself too for the following reasons:

I had a head cold, its hard to bike ride with a head cold.
16 miles of the 40 were on a highway, there was a wide bike lane, but it was still nervewracking as motorist speed was 55 (I think)
10 miles was up and down pretty steep hills and windy curvy paths through the woods. While absolutely gorgeous it was quite difficult physically.

We will do this ride again, but probably not until next year when my skills are higher as a biker and I'm more confident on roadway situations.

We packed snacks in our gear for the ride dried apricots, beef jerky, a power bar each, and a granola bar each. Powerade (zero calorie) and water were also staples. I don't have any pictures of the ride because I felt horrible and was really grouchy on the way back when we normally would have stopped for pictures.

Also learned to always wear clothing with stretch in it. I busted out the inner seams on both legs from the hilly section and my muscles bulking up, so if you passed a woman flashing her thighs on Highway 100 in Illinois Saturday, yep that was me.

Nick also entertained me by telling me how my calves were looking quite dimply and he figured that mean I was burning fat on them. Which I hope is right because I really want to wear tall boots some day.

I will be posting more pictures on here soon as I've decided to close my facebook account and share my shrinking pictures on this blog. It seems like a better idea. We haven't taken any new pictures in a couple of weeks though, so this weekend we definitely have to take one.

This weekend we are hoping to do at least a 45 mile ride, and quite possibly a 50. The weather is supposed to be nice, and hopefully I'll be over my cold for good. The following weekend will only be short rides as Nick's on call.

Getting healthy has been made easier by finding a sport I really like.

I'm at the very edge of being under 200 pounds. I am so close I can taste it. Who knows maybe tomorrow.

New Focus

2009-09-09T08:40:00.001-07:00

I've decided that I need to change the focus of this blog. Instead of being about the decisions that have made me overweight and the new decisions which are making me healthy, I'm going to focus on daily choices I make to become healthy. This could be along a lot of different avenues. How we cook a meal, how exercise fits into the grand scheme of things, etc.

I think its important now to start concentrating on positive things instead of negative, because positive in the end will get me to where I want to be.

So here it goes.

Part of the things that have helped me lose to date 36 pounds is eating much healthier. Less butter, less fat, etc. And the thing is they haven't been drastic changes. We have definitely eaten a lot healthier, eaten out less, added more whole grains and vegetables to our diet. But a lot of the changes I think that have effected us the most have been the small changes or the frequency of eating some of our favorite foods. And the great thing is our diet has had so many new things added and variety that we don't miss eating our favorite things every week.

One change is not cooking with as much oil or butter. Each morning after I work out I have an egg for protein. It helps me get through the morning a bit better then just having yogurt and fruit. But I do not cook the egg with anything. I use a non-stick pan and cook the egg completely dry. It still tastes fine and I've added no calories.

So as we refocus this blog to positive changes I will also try and share some photos. I love to take pictures, I just haven't been as sure about sharing them. BUt you know a blog without pictures is just boring.

So here's a picture from our longest bike ride, 45 miles on the Katy Trail. It was a gorgeous day as you can see.

Bike riding is a huge reason I've been able to conquer the weight beast this time. I really enjoy riding with my husband. It provides us a nice time to talk and be healthy together. I think we've found our joint hobby for life.

Wow nearly a month has past

2009-09-08T12:29:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in forever. I'm not sure why, well that isn't true. I've been busy, and honestly just haven't felt like writing. I've been spending time on Facebook, it kind of reminds me of quick blogging withouth much thought. I've been playing around on Facebook now for about 2 months, and I have mixed emotions about it. I like it, but then I don't like it. I like aspects, but don't like others. So I need to devise a plan as to how I'm going to deal with it personally. Lately I've been making a lot of plans as to how I'm going to deal with things personally because I'm not handling things very well. I'm somewhat irrational, moody, anxious, and I keep catching colds! my body is going through a lot of changes, and my doc is trying out a new birth control to see if that prevents cysts from growing, but I think its making me much moodier and irrational. And in case its not that, we'll just blame that.

I'm still doing well on weight loss. So far I'm 36.5 pounds reduced. I have a very long way to go, but I'm positive I will make it. Again, if you'd like to see pictures of the shrinking you'll need to befriend me on Facebook for the time being. Eventually I'll post pictures on here. Maybe. I'm not sure I'm going to keep up this blog, in fact I'm seriously thinking about deleting it. I wrote what I needed to write to get on this healthy path, and now that I'm on it, I don't know that I need this avenue.

Its still a thought in process. I will still have my knitting blog, even though I update that even less frequently then here. Although winter months are coming so knitting time will increase in the evenings when we can't ride our bikes after dark. Thus more interesting things to blog about.

The truth is, I just don't have that much to say. And I need to quit thinking about my relationships with people and just be.

30% of Goal - and Driving Tips

2009-08-10T12:07:00.001-07:00

This weekend, surprisingly, I hit my 30% of goal, or 30 pounds lost. I was surprised as the week before I hadn't lost a pound. But that is sometimes what happens, you'll go a week without losing a thing then bam, lose 5 pounds the next week. I'm in that frustrating size now that is between the "women's" department and the "misses" department. My tops need to be misses, my lower half is too small for women's but not small enough for misses. I can go one size lower in women's, but then the pants are usually too short. But it will work out eventually and for now I can manage with what I have, although I do have to purchase some jeans here shortly for our little vacation we are taking.

Now Driving Tips. This morning I was infuriated but a woman who was putting on mascara while driving. Ladies, really! This is not safe. Its not smart. Its just plain stupid. So here is my list of things not to do while driving.

Text Message
Put on Make-up of any sort, but especially eye makeup!
Knit, no matter how simple the pattern
Read (including text messages and e-mails)
Write
Eat anything that requires silverware (yep, onetime I saw someone eating a salad while driving)
Search through a purse, bookbag, briefcase, etc. (I admit, I'm occassonally guilty of this, I will stop!)
Crochet
Watch television or a portable DVD player
Punish your children.

If you must do any of these things, please please pull over. Its safer for you and for me.

I will now get off my soapbox.

Why are Fitting Room Mirrors So Unflattering?

2009-07-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

First off, I apologize for being a tad snotty in the last post about not wanting advice, etc. There are just sometimes thing that I want to say but then don't want to think too much more about. But I always welcome any comment you'd like to make, even if it is advice.

Now fitting room mirrors. Is it just me or do they make you look 30 times worse then you actually appear. I've been trying on clothes a lot more frequently then I used to. When I'm at home each day I look at myself in the mirror both with clothes on and without - on the back of my bathroom door is a full-length mirror. Anyway, I can see my skin looking tighter, looking more fit, not so many rolls. Now I'm still obese, well for another 8.5 pounds anyway (based on my BMI), but I'm seeing vast improvement. I feel good about what I see, even though I still see way more then I'd like to. But then I go to a store, grab some clothes, go into the fitting room and now all I see is jelly, cottage cheese, and rolls of disgusting fat. How is it that from one mirror to the next I go from liking my progress to feeling majorly depressed. And what is up with the lightening! I look pale and pasty in a fitting room.

I think we should all start a petition that they must put special mirrors in fitting rooms to make us all feel more confident and beautiful.

ARe you with me? Or maybe I'll just shop online and become an excellent return shipper.

Realizations

2009-07-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Part of getting healthy doesn't have to do with my weight, but it has to do with my mental attitude, my true thoughts and processes. I've realized multiple things over the past few months, and I'm coming to grips with what they mean. Let me enumerate:

I'm not as social as I thought I was.
I'm overly curious about what others are thinking/doing.
I pay too much credence into what I think others may think of me.
I don't like big groups of people.
I tend to hold grudges too long.
I get bored easily.
I don't have that much in common with most people.
I can't say No.
I tend to be easily irritated.
I like to talk to others, but at the same time I don't like to talk to others.
I don't like advice on my personal goals and life.

What do these mean? Well by trying for years to be someone I'm not, I think it made me turn to being lazy to compensate for being somewhat unhappy. Pouring hours into watching television and knitting was a drug to me. Laziness turned into being overweight. So now, that I'm much more active and spend very little time in front of the television, its given me the time to think about things and figure out how to make sure (hopefully) that I don't wind back up where I was.

I used to think that I loved going to parties and hanging out with people. But I never really did. Thinking back, while some events were fun, usually I just wanted to go home, or wished it had been a smaller group playing a game of cards or a board game. Now a days, I'd rather just hang out with Nick.
While I've realized I'm not social, I do wonder about what other people are doing, what is going on in their lives, etc. Is this an oxymoron? When I hear people talking low I wonder what it is they or who they are talking about. It goes right along with number 3 as often I'm convinced they are talking about me in some negative way. I'm learning to curve this, but its a natural instinct I fear and one we probably all suffer from, but hopefully in time, by working in conjunction with number 3 I'll come to some significant middle ground.
While I try not to worry about what people think of me, I do worry about it. And by trying to not care, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. But all the while, I really did care. So I'm learning to accept that not everyone will like me, not everyone will hate me, many will have no opinion of me at all, and the only good opinion I need is the two most important beings in my life.
I just don't. I'd rather be alone, with Nick, or possibly with a maximum of 4 people if we are playing cards or a board game. But honestly, my favorite time is when its Nick and I.
I never realized, but I really hold grudges too long. When people hurt me, I just don't let it go. I need to find a resolution to this as its just not a healthy place to be. I need to learn to let bygones be bygones, and continue forth with life releasing all the negative things that have happened and focus on the present and the future. But as with most things we need to work on in life, this is difficult. BUt I will overcome this weakness.
Yep, I get bored very easily. With knitting projects, with activities, with conversations. I guess it'd be that I have a short attention span. Knitting has helped this, projects can be ardously long. But I still do get bored easily. I'm not sure how to conquer this, but i'll figure it out.
I tend to walk to the beat of a different drummer (hee hee, that drummer is NIck I suppose). I just have such different ways of looking at things that I don't understand other people very well. I'm goofy, and odd, I like to laugh and make fun of myself and lets face it others too (strangers not people I know, I don't make fun of the people I know - unless of course they do something really dingy - and then its in silence). I'm just a big goof, and for a girl, I don't like girly things. I don't like makeup and fixing up my hair, I'd rather wear jeans then a dress, lets face it, I'm a tomboy grown up. Thankfully my husband loves that about me.
I just can't. I will always help someone when they ask. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but sometimes it does cause me to be annoyed at people when they ask me for help, and when they don't give the same consideration back to me. So I guess its a good thing that can cause negativity. I need to work on finding a balance, truly analyzing a situation before I say yes, and allowing myself to say the word No.
I do. I get irritated by others daily. And even with Nick. This I truly need to work on. Because its not healthy, and then I hold a grudge, and boy oh boy the cycle just begins again. I tend to hold people to too high a standard, I need to learn to relax that and even when people don't live up to my expectations, learn to deal with that. And if its truly something wrong in life, then just learn to distance myself from that individual and move on.
While I like to talk to people, I'd rather not talk to people at the same time. AGain, I'm confusing myself. But I find I get bored with talking and conversations, and then I babble, and I hate that about myself. I need to learn to keep conversations short, to the point, and if I realy don't have anything to say, to excuse myself and walk away.
While it may seem that I want advice because I write all this down, I don't. Me blogging is about me getting my feelings out on paper. Its a healthy outlet. Its part of learning to not hold grudges. I get my feelings out and then I try and move on. But I absolutely hate advice from people! I'm not talking about counsel, I'm just talking about advice. Like well if you do this exercise, you'll get this, and have you tried only eating chestnuts. Its the best diet in the world. I suppose if I don't want advice, I shouldn't write things down in the public forum. That would be the wisest course of action, but I'm not claiming to be wise today.

So those are my thoughts and realizations for this week. Feel free to give me advice, but know this, I probably won't listen. After all I'm learning to say No. :-)

The Tides Are Turning

2009-07-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

For once in my life I'm actually enjoying exercising. I don't always want to do it, and getting up each morning instead of sleeping a bit longer is still difficult, but I do actually enjoy the process of the exercise. I've been doing mostly Leslie Sansone DVD's, and they are really quite motivating. They aren't difficult, I don't have to make my body do things it wasn't created to do, and I feel like I received a decent cardio workout when I'm done. Add to that my walks at lunch, which I've come to depend upon to pick up my mood, and my lovely bike rides in the evening with my husband and I no longer think that maintaining this weight loss this time will be as difficult as it was before. By enjoying the process of being physically active I hope that once the main weight is gone I'll still want to exercise, although not as much, and enjoy living a more active lifestyle altogether. I think biking might even become a passion as knitting is. Now if I could just combine the two. Can you imagine biking and knitting, now there is a disaster waiting to happen.

I'm still quite impatient though. I'm feeling great, I feel like I'm already a fit person. Oh sure, I still get winded easily at times, and I still have aches and pains due to being overweight. But I no longer feel obese, even if my BMI says I am. But while I feel great, I still don't look great. I'm dropping clothing sizes quickly, but my weight is still coming off slowly. I've only lost 24 pounds but I've dropped 3 clothing sizes. At some point this will have to even out I tell myself. But I'm impatient for that to happen. I want that scale to drop quicker then it is, as quick as I feel....but I know in reality the slower it comes off the longer it stays off.

The worst part is I'm going to have to go shopping again here in a month or two for more clothes, some of my pants I'm only wearing once before they look way to big. Fortunately though, wearing things a little too big is not as offensive as wearing them to tight.

Well I guess that is all for now, I'd better get my brain back into what I should be doing.

If you'd like to see pictures of me shrinking, I posted them on Facebook. If you don't know my full name to search, send me an e-mail (or comment to this post with your e-mail address) and I'll send you that information.

Toodle Pip

20% Status Update

2009-07-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well I did it, in fact I'm a bit past it, but I've reached 20% of my goal. I'm very happy about this, it makes it seem real. There is still a very long road ahead however. But I'm up for it. Other stats:

Bike Riding - 250 miles so far
AM Aerobics - Every day except for the week I was sick
Walking at Lunch - Every day the weather and/or is permitting which has been more days than not.

Now comes the part I'm not enthralled with. People are starting to notice, in fact every day at work someone else comments on the fact I'm losing weight. I am not a fan of this part. At this point everyone starts thinking they should encourage you and tell you how well your doing, etc. Then they start in about how they should really lose some weight, etc. Its boring, obnoxious, and annoying. Honestly I'm not doing this to hear how good I look or how proud people are of me (except of course for my husband), I'm doing this because I need to get healthy and not worry about the poor health consequences of being overweight. And quite honestly again, I don't care if other people feel like they need to lose weight, I don't want to hear their weight loss wows. Maybe this is selfish, but right now me losing weight is about me. I don't want to talk about it, okay obviously that isn't completely true, as I do a little bit or I wouldn't do the blog. But I want to talk about it on my terms in my own way.

This blog is more about me coming to terms with the things/events that have made me fat and how to deal with them and move on, then me bragging to the world that I've lost weight. Its kinda a journal, that I'm trying to be as honest in as possible, so that hopefully this path is a healthier one then the last time I attempted permanent weight loss. Which I obviously failed pitifully at!

So the beginning of annoyance is starting, there is an end in sight, its months and months away, but it will end, and until then I think I'll practice thinking up witty responses to people's observations and questionings, and even their own, "I should really try to lose weight."

Tired, Sleepy, But Alive

2009-07-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely beat. I feel like the life has been completely drained from my veins. I'm not sure why, maybe its just summer. I really don't like summer. But that being said, I still did 30 minutes of work out this morning, and I'll do my walk at lunch. Not sure about bike riding tonight as Nick is on call. I think I need beef. Maybe I'm lacking in iron. Well that probably is the case, won't go into details. Hmmm, I think Steak for dinner Saturday.

On the positive side I've seemed to break that magic number and have moved down 4 pounds from it. Although my weight fluctuates on a daily basis. I saw a new low number yesterday and I was back up a pound and a half today. Weighing myself daily has a couple of side effects, some days its depressing when you see the scale jump around. But its also nice to know each day and it helps motivate the continued exercise.

One more pound and I'll be at 20 pounds total loss. That is 20% woo hoo! One of these days I'll actually post a picture. From when I was 6 pounds lost and from wherever I'm at when I post the picture. We take a picture each weekend on our bike ride.

Another positive thing, I'm now officially down another pant size. I still wear the higher pant size, but they are really loose. Need to use the clothing I have as best I can though and not spend a lot of money on clothing. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but a few weeks back I got a deal at Macy's and now have pants in the current size I am in (18W), and the next size down (16W) so that I'll have plenty of work clothes for a few more months. Then I'll have to go on a clearance shopping trip again, but hopefully then I'll actually be shopping in the Misses department.

The next time I buy tops I'll have to, 1X are looking quite large on me in certain cuts. All this said, I have a long path to Healthy ahead of me. At only 20% you can guess how many pounds I'm trying to lose, and its a long long road. But a good road, and more importantly a healthy road.

Already Stuck On a Number

2009-07-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

On a number at least, for the past 2.5 weeks I have been stuck hovering around the same number on the scale. This would be frustrating, but I've seen a pretty (well in my opinion) drastic change in my appearance during this time as well and I've dropped another pant size. I'm guessing I'm building muscle, which we all know weighs more then fat, but come on!

The one thing its not doing though is getting me discouraged. All this week I've worn smaller pants then I've worn in 3 years and counting, so I'm still completely hyped. Even tonight, when I'm working late (i'm waiting on the next project) everyone around me is ordering pizza for dinner, but I planned a head and I'm having a big bowl of mixed vegetables and fish. Total calories around 350, and very very little fat.

I'm really proud of myself about this, it would have been so easy to just order pizza with everyone else. But I'm trying to save my indulgences for times I'm with my husband and we want something special, and not just because I had to work late.

One more thing accomplished, maybe I really will make it all the way this time.

The Hardest Part

2009-06-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

The hardest part about trying to lose weight, again, isn't that actual work that goes into losing weight. I know what to do, eat right, drink water, exercise. But its the finally admitting to oneself that yes, I'm overweight, in fact I'm obese. It no longer is easier to just call onself fluffy, chubby, bulky, stocky, etc. It's the pure honest fact that I'm fat. I'm not healthy. Being overweight, while it can be emotionally difficult when you don't fit into clothes anymore, you have to shop in the women's department, etc. it was easy. I didn't do anything special and I stayed around the same 5-7 pound range. But once you decide to lose weight, all of the sudden you start looking at other people wondering do I look as large as them, is that thin person criticizing me for being overweight, maybe I should scream I'm working out, I'm shrinking.

Yesterday I realized, yes I'm fat. I admit it to myself and now I admit it to the world. But I'm working on shrinking, pound by pound and inch by inch. Will this hard part become easier now. PRobably not. In fact it'll probably be even more difficult, because I will constantly be comparing myself to others, constantly wishing I was that think cute girl going into the grocery store, wondering if people are watching me jiggle. But at least I know I'm doing something about it, I'm working on being healthy, and day by day, month by month, and yes, year by year the hardest part will vanish into history and I will then just need to remember the hardest part so as to not have to go through it again.

This isn't a momentary passing, this is a lifestyle change and it takes a while to build a lifestyle.

The Teeter Totter Effect

2009-06-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

First an update, I had lost 4 pounds this week, well last week, but now it seems I'm up 2. I'm weighing myself every day for this program Diet Power I started, which is fine, its not upsetting me, I'm trying to learn to take the good and the bad and be okay with it. But I think I need a new scale, because I don't believe I gained two pounds in one day, and on Tuesday I showed a loss of 4 pounds from the day before. So this weekend, we are buying a new scale. But overall I'm done 12 pounds as of today, which is a good hurdle. The last few times I tried this whole weight loss thing, I never made it past 10. But the other difference is that I'm really heads up on it still, after now over a month. I've completely stopped drinking soda, I miss exercising when I don't get to, and I enjoy eating and monitoring my calorie intake. But the teeter totter on the scale is driving me buggy, so we are getting a new scale, thank you 20% off coupons from Bed Bath & Beyond.

The other bad thing is I haven't been able to work out since Saturday. I caught a lovely little cold starting Saturday night, and have been quite under the weather. EAch morning I hope to be able to get up and work out, but last night I had a coughing fit, and was worried if I worked out it would prompt another one this morning. The heat index is 106 outside today, so no walking at lunch.

I knew I probably would catch a cold about a month in, and sure enough I did. I'd been pushing myself so hard it was bound to happen. Hopefully I'll be over it soon and back to the tennis shoes in the morning, walking at lunch, and bike riding in the evening in the next couple of days.

But so the teeter totter effect at least hasn't knocked me off the equipment, like it often has. In fact, its encouraging me to work even harder. I'm able to get into the next size of pants down, they are a little tight in the backside, so I'm not wearing them yet, but I could if I really wanted to, I've worn things tighter, but I'm okay with making sure they look really nice when I wear them. A couple more weeks and a few more pounds loss will make a world of difference.

I bought 7 new pairs of dress slacks for work over the weekend at Macy's. They had a good clearance sale, and I had a $50 gift card, so I only spent $70 and should now have enough pants in two sizes down to make it to fall. The exciting thing is when I work my way through these pants, I'll be out of the Women's department! I'll be in the top of Misses, but I'll be there!