Why are Fitting Room Mirrors So Unflattering?

First off, I apologize for being a tad snotty in the last post about not wanting advice, etc. There are just sometimes thing that I want to say but then don't want to think too much more about. But I always welcome any comment you'd like to make, even if it is advice.

Now fitting room mirrors. Is it just me or do they make you look 30 times worse then you actually appear. I've been trying on clothes a lot more frequently then I used to. When I'm at home each day I look at myself in the mirror both with clothes on and without - on the back of my bathroom door is a full-length mirror. Anyway, I can see my skin looking tighter, looking more fit, not so many rolls. Now I'm still obese, well for another 8.5 pounds anyway (based on my BMI), but I'm seeing vast improvement. I feel good about what I see, even though I still see way more then I'd like to. But then I go to a store, grab some clothes, go into the fitting room and now all I see is jelly, cottage cheese, and rolls of disgusting fat. How is it that from one mirror to the next I go from liking my progress to feeling majorly depressed. And what is up with the lightening! I look pale and pasty in a fitting room.

I think we should all start a petition that they must put special mirrors in fitting rooms to make us all feel more confident and beautiful.

ARe you with me? Or maybe I'll just shop online and become an excellent return shipper.

Realizations

Part of getting healthy doesn't have to do with my weight, but it has to do with my mental attitude, my true thoughts and processes. I've realized multiple things over the past few months, and I'm coming to grips with what they mean. Let me enumerate:

1. I'm not as social as I thought I was.
2. I'm overly curious about what others are thinking/doing.
3. I pay too much credence into what I think others may think of me.
4. I don't like big groups of people.
5. I tend to hold grudges too long.
6. I get bored easily.
7. I don't have that much in common with most people.
8. I can't say No.
9. I tend to be easily irritated.
10. I like to talk to others, but at the same time I don't like to talk to others.
11. I don't like advice on my personal goals and life.

What do these mean? Well by trying for years to be someone I'm not, I think it made me turn to being lazy to compensate for being somewhat unhappy. Pouring hours into watching television and knitting was a drug to me. Laziness turned into being overweight. So now, that I'm much more active and spend very little time in front of the television, its given me the time to think about things and figure out how to make sure (hopefully) that I don't wind back up where I was.

1. I used to think that I loved going to parties and hanging out with people. But I never really did. Thinking back, while some events were fun, usually I just wanted to go home, or wished it had been a smaller group playing a game of cards or a board game. Now a days, I'd rather just hang out with Nick.
2. While I've realized I'm not social, I do wonder about what other people are doing, what is going on in their lives, etc. Is this an oxymoron? When I hear people talking low I wonder what it is they or who they are talking about. It goes right along with number 3 as often I'm convinced they are talking about me in some negative way. I'm learning to curve this, but its a natural instinct I fear and one we probably all suffer from, but hopefully in time, by working in conjunction with number 3 I'll come to some significant middle ground.
3. While I try not to worry about what people think of me, I do worry about it. And by trying to not care, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. But all the while, I really did care. So I'm learning to accept that not everyone will like me, not everyone will hate me, many will have no opinion of me at all, and the only good opinion I need is the two most important beings in my life.
4. I just don't. I'd rather be alone, with Nick, or possibly with a maximum of 4 people if we are playing cards or a board game. But honestly, my favorite time is when its Nick and I.
5. I never realized, but I really hold grudges too long. When people hurt me, I just don't let it go. I need to find a resolution to this as its just not a healthy place to be. I need to learn to let bygones be bygones, and continue forth with life releasing all the negative things that have happened and focus on the present and the future. But as with most things we need to work on in life, this is difficult. BUt I will overcome this weakness.
6. Yep, I get bored very easily. With knitting projects, with activities, with conversations. I guess it'd be that I have a short attention span. Knitting has helped this, projects can be ardously long. But I still do get bored easily. I'm not sure how to conquer this, but i'll figure it out.
7. I tend to walk to the beat of a different drummer (hee hee, that drummer is NIck I suppose). I just have such different ways of looking at things that I don't understand other people very well. I'm goofy, and odd, I like to laugh and make fun of myself and lets face it others too (strangers not people I know, I don't make fun of the people I know - unless of course they do something really dingy - and then its in silence). I'm just a big goof, and for a girl, I don't like girly things. I don't like makeup and fixing up my hair, I'd rather wear jeans then a dress, lets face it, I'm a tomboy grown up. Thankfully my husband loves that about me.
8. I just can't. I will always help someone when they ask. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but sometimes it does cause me to be annoyed at people when they ask me for help, and when they don't give the same consideration back to me. So I guess its a good thing that can cause negativity. I need to work on finding a balance, truly analyzing a situation before I say yes, and allowing myself to say the word No.
9. I do. I get irritated by others daily. And even with Nick. This I truly need to work on. Because its not healthy, and then I hold a grudge, and boy oh boy the cycle just begins again. I tend to hold people to too high a standard, I need to learn to relax that and even when people don't live up to my expectations, learn to deal with that. And if its truly something wrong in life, then just learn to distance myself from that individual and move on.
10. While I like to talk to people, I'd rather not talk to people at the same time. AGain, I'm confusing myself. But I find I get bored with talking and conversations, and then I babble, and I hate that about myself. I need to learn to keep conversations short, to the point, and if I realy don't have anything to say, to excuse myself and walk away.
11. While it may seem that I want advice because I write all this down, I don't. Me blogging is about me getting my feelings out on paper. Its a healthy outlet. Its part of learning to not hold grudges. I get my feelings out and then I try and move on. But I absolutely hate advice from people! I'm not talking about counsel, I'm just talking about advice. Like well if you do this exercise, you'll get this, and have you tried only eating chestnuts. Its the best diet in the world. I suppose if I don't want advice, I shouldn't write things down in the public forum. That would be the wisest course of action, but I'm not claiming to be wise today.

So those are my thoughts and realizations for this week. Feel free to give me advice, but know this, I probably won't listen. After all I'm learning to say No. :-)

The Tides Are Turning

For once in my life I'm actually enjoying exercising. I don't always want to do it, and getting up each morning instead of sleeping a bit longer is still difficult, but I do actually enjoy the process of the exercise. I've been doing mostly Leslie Sansone DVD's, and they are really quite motivating. They aren't difficult, I don't have to make my body do things it wasn't created to do, and I feel like I received a decent cardio workout when I'm done. Add to that my walks at lunch, which I've come to depend upon to pick up my mood, and my lovely bike rides in the evening with my husband and I no longer think that maintaining this weight loss this time will be as difficult as it was before. By enjoying the process of being physically active I hope that once the main weight is gone I'll still want to exercise, although not as much, and enjoy living a more active lifestyle altogether. I think biking might even become a passion as knitting is. Now if I could just combine the two. Can you imagine biking and knitting, now there is a disaster waiting to happen.

I'm still quite impatient though. I'm feeling great, I feel like I'm already a fit person. Oh sure, I still get winded easily at times, and I still have aches and pains due to being overweight. But I no longer feel obese, even if my BMI says I am. But while I feel great, I still don't look great. I'm dropping clothing sizes quickly, but my weight is still coming off slowly. I've only lost 24 pounds but I've dropped 3 clothing sizes. At some point this will have to even out I tell myself. But I'm impatient for that to happen. I want that scale to drop quicker then it is, as quick as I feel....but I know in reality the slower it comes off the longer it stays off.

The worst part is I'm going to have to go shopping again here in a month or two for more clothes, some of my pants I'm only wearing once before they look way to big. Fortunately though, wearing things a little too big is not as offensive as wearing them to tight.

Well I guess that is all for now, I'd better get my brain back into what I should be doing.

If you'd like to see pictures of me shrinking, I posted them on Facebook. If you don't know my full name to search, send me an e-mail (or comment to this post with your e-mail address) and I'll send you that information.

Toodle Pip

20% Status Update

Well I did it, in fact I'm a bit past it, but I've reached 20% of my goal. I'm very happy about this, it makes it seem real. There is still a very long road ahead however. But I'm up for it. Other stats:

Bike Riding - 250 miles so far
AM Aerobics - Every day except for the week I was sick
Walking at Lunch - Every day the weather and/or is permitting which has been more days than not.

Now comes the part I'm not enthralled with. People are starting to notice, in fact every day at work someone else comments on the fact I'm losing weight. I am not a fan of this part. At this point everyone starts thinking they should encourage you and tell you how well your doing, etc. Then they start in about how they should really lose some weight, etc. Its boring, obnoxious, and annoying. Honestly I'm not doing this to hear how good I look or how proud people are of me (except of course for my husband), I'm doing this because I need to get healthy and not worry about the poor health consequences of being overweight. And quite honestly again, I don't care if other people feel like they need to lose weight, I don't want to hear their weight loss wows. Maybe this is selfish, but right now me losing weight is about me. I don't want to talk about it, okay obviously that isn't completely true, as I do a little bit or I wouldn't do the blog. But I want to talk about it on my terms in my own way.

This blog is more about me coming to terms with the things/events that have made me fat and how to deal with them and move on, then me bragging to the world that I've lost weight. Its kinda a journal, that I'm trying to be as honest in as possible, so that hopefully this path is a healthier one then the last time I attempted permanent weight loss. Which I obviously failed pitifully at!

So the beginning of annoyance is starting, there is an end in sight, its months and months away, but it will end, and until then I think I'll practice thinking up witty responses to people's observations and questionings, and even their own, "I should really try to lose weight."

Tired, Sleepy, But Alive

I am absolutely beat. I feel like the life has been completely drained from my veins. I'm not sure why, maybe its just summer. I really don't like summer. But that being said, I still did 30 minutes of work out this morning, and I'll do my walk at lunch. Not sure about bike riding tonight as Nick is on call. I think I need beef. Maybe I'm lacking in iron. Well that probably is the case, won't go into details. Hmmm, I think Steak for dinner Saturday.

On the positive side I've seemed to break that magic number and have moved down 4 pounds from it. Although my weight fluctuates on a daily basis. I saw a new low number yesterday and I was back up a pound and a half today. Weighing myself daily has a couple of side effects, some days its depressing when you see the scale jump around. But its also nice to know each day and it helps motivate the continued exercise.

One more pound and I'll be at 20 pounds total loss. That is 20% woo hoo! One of these days I'll actually post a picture. From when I was 6 pounds lost and from wherever I'm at when I post the picture. We take a picture each weekend on our bike ride.

Another positive thing, I'm now officially down another pant size. I still wear the higher pant size, but they are really loose. Need to use the clothing I have as best I can though and not spend a lot of money on clothing. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but a few weeks back I got a deal at Macy's and now have pants in the current size I am in (18W), and the next size down (16W) so that I'll have plenty of work clothes for a few more months. Then I'll have to go on a clearance shopping trip again, but hopefully then I'll actually be shopping in the Misses department.

The next time I buy tops I'll have to, 1X are looking quite large on me in certain cuts. All this said, I have a long path to Healthy ahead of me. At only 20% you can guess how many pounds I'm trying to lose, and its a long long road. But a good road, and more importantly a healthy road.

Already Stuck On a Number

On a number at least, for the past 2.5 weeks I have been stuck hovering around the same number on the scale. This would be frustrating, but I've seen a pretty (well in my opinion) drastic change in my appearance during this time as well and I've dropped another pant size. I'm guessing I'm building muscle, which we all know weighs more then fat, but come on!

The one thing its not doing though is getting me discouraged. All this week I've worn smaller pants then I've worn in 3 years and counting, so I'm still completely hyped. Even tonight, when I'm working late (i'm waiting on the next project) everyone around me is ordering pizza for dinner, but I planned a head and I'm having a big bowl of mixed vegetables and fish. Total calories around 350, and very very little fat.

I'm really proud of myself about this, it would have been so easy to just order pizza with everyone else. But I'm trying to save my indulgences for times I'm with my husband and we want something special, and not just because I had to work late.

One more thing accomplished, maybe I really will make it all the way this time.