The hardest part about trying to lose weight, again, isn't that actual work that goes into losing weight. I know what to do, eat right, drink water, exercise. But its the finally admitting to oneself that yes, I'm overweight, in fact I'm obese. It no longer is easier to just call onself fluffy, chubby, bulky, stocky, etc. It's the pure honest fact that I'm fat. I'm not healthy. Being overweight, while it can be emotionally difficult when you don't fit into clothes anymore, you have to shop in the women's department, etc. it was easy. I didn't do anything special and I stayed around the same 5-7 pound range. But once you decide to lose weight, all of the sudden you start looking at other people wondering do I look as large as them, is that thin person criticizing me for being overweight, maybe I should scream I'm working out, I'm shrinking.
Yesterday I realized, yes I'm fat. I admit it to myself and now I admit it to the world. But I'm working on shrinking, pound by pound and inch by inch. Will this hard part become easier now. PRobably not. In fact it'll probably be even more difficult, because I will constantly be comparing myself to others, constantly wishing I was that think cute girl going into the grocery store, wondering if people are watching me jiggle. But at least I know I'm doing something about it, I'm working on being healthy, and day by day, month by month, and yes, year by year the hardest part will vanish into history and I will then just need to remember the hardest part so as to not have to go through it again.
This isn't a momentary passing, this is a lifestyle change and it takes a while to build a lifestyle.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Teeter Totter Effect
First an update, I had lost 4 pounds this week, well last week, but now it seems I'm up 2. I'm weighing myself every day for this program Diet Power I started, which is fine, its not upsetting me, I'm trying to learn to take the good and the bad and be okay with it. But I think I need a new scale, because I don't believe I gained two pounds in one day, and on Tuesday I showed a loss of 4 pounds from the day before. So this weekend, we are buying a new scale. But overall I'm done 12 pounds as of today, which is a good hurdle. The last few times I tried this whole weight loss thing, I never made it past 10. But the other difference is that I'm really heads up on it still, after now over a month. I've completely stopped drinking soda, I miss exercising when I don't get to, and I enjoy eating and monitoring my calorie intake. But the teeter totter on the scale is driving me buggy, so we are getting a new scale, thank you 20% off coupons from Bed Bath & Beyond.
The other bad thing is I haven't been able to work out since Saturday. I caught a lovely little cold starting Saturday night, and have been quite under the weather. EAch morning I hope to be able to get up and work out, but last night I had a coughing fit, and was worried if I worked out it would prompt another one this morning. The heat index is 106 outside today, so no walking at lunch.
I knew I probably would catch a cold about a month in, and sure enough I did. I'd been pushing myself so hard it was bound to happen. Hopefully I'll be over it soon and back to the tennis shoes in the morning, walking at lunch, and bike riding in the evening in the next couple of days.
But so the teeter totter effect at least hasn't knocked me off the equipment, like it often has. In fact, its encouraging me to work even harder. I'm able to get into the next size of pants down, they are a little tight in the backside, so I'm not wearing them yet, but I could if I really wanted to, I've worn things tighter, but I'm okay with making sure they look really nice when I wear them. A couple more weeks and a few more pounds loss will make a world of difference.
I bought 7 new pairs of dress slacks for work over the weekend at Macy's. They had a good clearance sale, and I had a $50 gift card, so I only spent $70 and should now have enough pants in two sizes down to make it to fall. The exciting thing is when I work my way through these pants, I'll be out of the Women's department! I'll be in the top of Misses, but I'll be there!
The other bad thing is I haven't been able to work out since Saturday. I caught a lovely little cold starting Saturday night, and have been quite under the weather. EAch morning I hope to be able to get up and work out, but last night I had a coughing fit, and was worried if I worked out it would prompt another one this morning. The heat index is 106 outside today, so no walking at lunch.
I knew I probably would catch a cold about a month in, and sure enough I did. I'd been pushing myself so hard it was bound to happen. Hopefully I'll be over it soon and back to the tennis shoes in the morning, walking at lunch, and bike riding in the evening in the next couple of days.
But so the teeter totter effect at least hasn't knocked me off the equipment, like it often has. In fact, its encouraging me to work even harder. I'm able to get into the next size of pants down, they are a little tight in the backside, so I'm not wearing them yet, but I could if I really wanted to, I've worn things tighter, but I'm okay with making sure they look really nice when I wear them. A couple more weeks and a few more pounds loss will make a world of difference.
I bought 7 new pairs of dress slacks for work over the weekend at Macy's. They had a good clearance sale, and I had a $50 gift card, so I only spent $70 and should now have enough pants in two sizes down to make it to fall. The exciting thing is when I work my way through these pants, I'll be out of the Women's department! I'll be in the top of Misses, but I'll be there!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
10% of Goal
Today I reached my 10% mark, so if you're following, I'm trying to lose 100 pounds and I've lost 10! This excites me, for several reasons:
- I'm still really invigorated and excited about this new lifestyle. I feel motivated and energized, and while I still don't want to get up in the morning, I always do and am happy when I'm done.
- 10% done makes it feel really real. Like this is for the long-haul and not a short-term accomplishment that will be lost in the coming weeks.
- Nick is still really into the process too, which is incredibly helpful.
- My 10 pound reward is a new program called Diet Power. Its a program for my laptop that counts my calories, my work-out, gives tips and advice, etc. I'm still trying it out, there's a 15 day free trial, but I'm sure I'll be purchasing it. It is comparable to FitDay but I can add things to the program's dictionary of custom foods and they appear for both Nick and I, which saves a lot of time in entering custom foods. Plus it also lets you build a recipe and gives you the nutritional information for it.
- 20% here I come!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Walk to Defeat ALS
My office, Schlichter Bogard & Denton, will be participating as a team this year in the Walk to Defeat ALS sponsored by the ALS Association. I will be participating in the walk, and hoping to raise some money for it. If you'd like to sponsor my efforts, please go to http://web.alsa.org/goto/rebekahfrei. ALS is also commonly referred to as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Its a horrible disease and anything we can do to help those suffering is worth the effort.
So please help me reach my goal if you can. If you are a knitter, go to my knitting blog, http://www.rebekahsyarn.wordpress.com, and I even have yarny prizes to give away.
In other news, today was weigh-in day and I was down another 2 pounds! Although I'm mad at Nick, he lost 4. I'm just so happy to have him doing this with me, it makes it sooo much easier.
The workouts are going really well, last work week I was able to work out 12 times. Every morning, 4 walks at lunch, and 3 bike rides. On Saturday then I worked out doing a 5 mile walk DVD with Leslie Sansome, and we went on a 9.3 mile bike ride. It was horrifically windy, and Sunday I just needed to rest, so we didn't workout, but we did move Nick's huge drum kit to our friend's home so he and Nick can jam this weekend.
Okay, back to more important things. I have more deep thoughts on this process, but I'll save those for another day.
So please help me reach my goal if you can. If you are a knitter, go to my knitting blog, http://www.rebekahsyarn.wordpress.com, and I even have yarny prizes to give away.
In other news, today was weigh-in day and I was down another 2 pounds! Although I'm mad at Nick, he lost 4. I'm just so happy to have him doing this with me, it makes it sooo much easier.
The workouts are going really well, last work week I was able to work out 12 times. Every morning, 4 walks at lunch, and 3 bike rides. On Saturday then I worked out doing a 5 mile walk DVD with Leslie Sansome, and we went on a 9.3 mile bike ride. It was horrifically windy, and Sunday I just needed to rest, so we didn't workout, but we did move Nick's huge drum kit to our friend's home so he and Nick can jam this weekend.
Okay, back to more important things. I have more deep thoughts on this process, but I'll save those for another day.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I Don't Fit In a Box
This post, as a warning, will be heavy in whining, and complaining, and may sound bitter. But it is a discovery I've made in the past few weeks that I want to put on paper. It helped me define why after losing so much weight, I gained it back several years ago. It helped me understand the way to make this program work and hopefully end in a healthy individual who stays healthy over time. It may also sound anti-social and despondent, but I assure you it is not. It may also sound quite full of myself and snobbish, but then that may also be the whole point. You will discover why as you read further.
My entire life I have been trying to stuff myself into a box that others created. The others being friends, society, class-mates, acquaintences, people in general. It is a box that I just don't fit in. But nonetheless I tried, I tried being the friend everyone loved and thought highly of, but what I succeeded at was being the person that everyone took advantage of, asked "favors" of, depended on to take care of them and their needs, but never once gave a second thought about. I was the person everyone seemed to like, but the person that when I wasn't around people made fun of, talked poorly about, or even worse wasn't thought of at all. This isn't just my imagination, although some of it may be, but I actually had people tell me about how others talked about me. Which of course has only made my bitterness worse over the years.
But nonetheless I continued to try, and try and try to please my friends and the people around me. I was always ready to jump and help anyone in need. Sure, I've never made a quilt before but because you asked me to do it, I'll figured out a way to do it. No problem, you need me to fix your computer, make your travel arrangements, prepare some paperwork for you. Oh definitely I'll help you plan your wedding, I'll coordinate the food, I'll do this, do that, whatever it takes just be my friend. (By the way, much of this goes back many many years. But I realized this week that it still haunts me.) But rarely with all these people I was trying to impress, to "force" by kindness from me into being my friend, didn't reciprocate the kindness. I so wanted to be in several of my "friends" weddings. But no, I was too fat for them. I didn't fit into their box of what a bridesmaid should look like. Although I was quite good at spending way to much money on gifts.
I feel now that I have merely been "tolerated" by my so-called friends in life. And now that I don't fit into their ideal of a woman, and don't have children, I am no longer even tolerated. And I can't deny that this hasn't hurt. It has, and I think was the catalyst that pushed me back to being overweight. Although I didn't realize this until a few weeks ago. I've been trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course there were other things, stress, family deaths, etc. but I think I realized even when I got very, very thin, that the friendships didn't change. That even though I changed my body to fit into their box, I still didn't fit. I never would.
The fact is, I'm different. I have a different way of looking at life, even among those that share the same basic values and principles. And the fundamentals are common, I don't think girls should be vain, I think intelligence is more valuable then looks, and I think being nice to everyone is a good quality. I think being critical of others is wrong and I think everyone is equal. (this is the part I come across as a snob)
I thought as I got older, and they in turn, that those in my environment would "mature", when they started having children maybe they would be the people I thought was in them, that maybe finally they would see the value in me. But I was wrong. Maybe they have matured, but they have now left me in their dust where I feel like when they honor me with their precense that I should just feel grateful for the charity they are so honorably bestowing upon me.
The truth of the matter is, I've been wrong a very large portion of my life. I should have never tried to fit into their box. I should have realized that our personalities just never would mesh, and that I'd be better off developing friendships in a more fruitful way. That I didn't have to overwhelm people with generousity and doing "favors", that I didn't have to force myself into a box I would never fit. Maybe I doomed every friendship I ever tried to develop by having too high of expectations, or maybe I just am the type of person that really only needs one true friend, and I should have known I wouldn't ever have that until I met my husband. I'm not sure how I could have done it better. I'm not sure really who is at fault. But the fact is the problems and the responsibility fall flatly on my shoulders. I should have identified this years ago, and maybe I did, but just didn't want to see it.
Don't think I've been completely friendless, I've had "friends", even those I would call true friends at different points. But I've had a lot of very negative friendships too. For instance, one friend from my childhood, when 13 years ago, I announced I was engaged said cruelly, "who would have ever thought you'd be the first one of us to get married." I think that was the moment I realized she had never been really been my friend.
I have had true friends though. When I first moved away from home, I lived with a mother and daughter, and over time the daughter and I became good friends. We had our rough moments, she started out basically hating me and let it show. But through time, we developed a bond. And we were good friends, very good friends for years. She moved away, I moved away, but we kept our friendship alive but the phone, and then e-mail and instant messaging. Then she started dating this guy, and there were problems and issues, and she had fights with other friends, but our friendship was strong enough that I was able to point out to her where she was wrong and help her fix her friendship that had broken apart. We were what I would call kindred spirits. In the end it all worked out, she married the guy, asked me to be in her wedding - and I was still fairly thin, but then I think regardless of my size she would have asked me, etc. But more and more our friendship became about her and her marriage, her problems, her issues. I think the final straw that broke the camel's back was about 3 years ago. My husband in a two-week time period, fell at work and severly broke his leg, and we found out that he had stage 3 melanoma. It was a horrible, horrible time for me, my parents were out of the country, my sister had already heard the melodrama that had become my life and I so needed a kind ear to listen to me ball and cry, I for once in my life needed a friend more than anything in the world. So I called my friend, who I had helped through many problems and issues, and I told her about the leg and I started to tell her about the life-threatening cancer, and literally not 1-minute into the conversation she said, "XXX (her husband's name) broke his finger, I'm not sure how he's going to be able to do his job. It hurts so bad. And then....." The conversation completely was consumed by her problem, which may have been a true problem for her but was so minute in my mind to the problems I was facing I just wanted to scream. And that began the downfall of our friendship. I realized that once again, that the friendship was very one-sided. Now I barely talk to her. I avoid her e-mails. I'm still very bitter about the event. I know its time to let it go. And that is what I'm doing by this blog post, I'm attempting to let go all the things that have led to my being unhealthy.
The fact is all these years while appearing to be strong, I have been very weak. And while my weakness may not have shown through my actions with my so-called friends, I was showing it all along in my weight.
The fact of the matter is, this whole problem, is me. I am the one who tried to fit in their box, I'm the one who always had to appear strong so as to never seem weak or have problems, and lets face it, I do have a somewhat obnoxious personality. I talk to much, desparate to be heard by someone I often talk to much about myself. I always have a story to match.
I need to add that also, in the last couple of years I've really gone into a depressed mode, most likely due to the illness of my husband. It really affected me, and I felt like I couldn't show it, so I hid away. Over the last couple of years there has been one individual that has tried to reach out to me, and be my friend, but I haven't been receptive. Ironic isn't it, that the first time someone reached out to me, I hid from it. I have little in common with her, she has 4 children, I have none. Her interests and mine are complete opposite, so the conversations we have had often revolved around weight loss and diet, and quite honestly it annoyed me to death because here I am a woman 100 pounds over weight, and she maybe had 15 pounds to lose, if that. It upset me. But I know she was reaching out, and trying to help, but I couldn't see it then. In time, I will apologize to her. I will make amends. And hopefully she'll quit asking me to go shopping with her. I hate shopping! Maybe I can find something that is of interest to us both. But for now, right now, I still need to concentrate on me, and finding health in both phsyical and mental.
But these are things I'm working on, I'm trying to become a better person. And by that I'm realizing I don't WANT to or more importantly I don't NEED to fit in their box. I am who I am.
The other fact is, I don't need anyone's approval but two people, the most important, and secondly my husband. It helps of course to have the approval of one's family, but then, I've never lacked that. My family, of course, has always accepted and approved of who I am. For that, I am very thankful. I have a great family, and while they get on my nerves on occassion, and I struggle to help my sister and my mother appreciate the other - I love them all dearly and would of course do anything for them. That will always be the way.
From now on though, I am NOT seeking the approval of others just to fit in their box. I am happy with spending all my evenings and weekends with my husband. I am okay with the somewhat superficial, on the surface friendships.
So I'm giving myself approval to stop trying to fit in other people's boxes. I have my own life to live. I'm losing weight for me and my husband, to be healthy, to be active, to be fit. To not live with aches and pains. And more importantly to be strong. I haven't been strong since I was a teenager. When I first started to fit into other's boxes.
I'm hoping that this realization is a start to a whole new me. Not a different me. But the true me. The person I have always been, but have hidden.
I give myself permission to be me.
Oh and by the way, me lost 4.5 pounds last week!
My entire life I have been trying to stuff myself into a box that others created. The others being friends, society, class-mates, acquaintences, people in general. It is a box that I just don't fit in. But nonetheless I tried, I tried being the friend everyone loved and thought highly of, but what I succeeded at was being the person that everyone took advantage of, asked "favors" of, depended on to take care of them and their needs, but never once gave a second thought about. I was the person everyone seemed to like, but the person that when I wasn't around people made fun of, talked poorly about, or even worse wasn't thought of at all. This isn't just my imagination, although some of it may be, but I actually had people tell me about how others talked about me. Which of course has only made my bitterness worse over the years.
But nonetheless I continued to try, and try and try to please my friends and the people around me. I was always ready to jump and help anyone in need. Sure, I've never made a quilt before but because you asked me to do it, I'll figured out a way to do it. No problem, you need me to fix your computer, make your travel arrangements, prepare some paperwork for you. Oh definitely I'll help you plan your wedding, I'll coordinate the food, I'll do this, do that, whatever it takes just be my friend. (By the way, much of this goes back many many years. But I realized this week that it still haunts me.) But rarely with all these people I was trying to impress, to "force" by kindness from me into being my friend, didn't reciprocate the kindness. I so wanted to be in several of my "friends" weddings. But no, I was too fat for them. I didn't fit into their box of what a bridesmaid should look like. Although I was quite good at spending way to much money on gifts.
I feel now that I have merely been "tolerated" by my so-called friends in life. And now that I don't fit into their ideal of a woman, and don't have children, I am no longer even tolerated. And I can't deny that this hasn't hurt. It has, and I think was the catalyst that pushed me back to being overweight. Although I didn't realize this until a few weeks ago. I've been trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course there were other things, stress, family deaths, etc. but I think I realized even when I got very, very thin, that the friendships didn't change. That even though I changed my body to fit into their box, I still didn't fit. I never would.
The fact is, I'm different. I have a different way of looking at life, even among those that share the same basic values and principles. And the fundamentals are common, I don't think girls should be vain, I think intelligence is more valuable then looks, and I think being nice to everyone is a good quality. I think being critical of others is wrong and I think everyone is equal. (this is the part I come across as a snob)
I thought as I got older, and they in turn, that those in my environment would "mature", when they started having children maybe they would be the people I thought was in them, that maybe finally they would see the value in me. But I was wrong. Maybe they have matured, but they have now left me in their dust where I feel like when they honor me with their precense that I should just feel grateful for the charity they are so honorably bestowing upon me.
The truth of the matter is, I've been wrong a very large portion of my life. I should have never tried to fit into their box. I should have realized that our personalities just never would mesh, and that I'd be better off developing friendships in a more fruitful way. That I didn't have to overwhelm people with generousity and doing "favors", that I didn't have to force myself into a box I would never fit. Maybe I doomed every friendship I ever tried to develop by having too high of expectations, or maybe I just am the type of person that really only needs one true friend, and I should have known I wouldn't ever have that until I met my husband. I'm not sure how I could have done it better. I'm not sure really who is at fault. But the fact is the problems and the responsibility fall flatly on my shoulders. I should have identified this years ago, and maybe I did, but just didn't want to see it.
Don't think I've been completely friendless, I've had "friends", even those I would call true friends at different points. But I've had a lot of very negative friendships too. For instance, one friend from my childhood, when 13 years ago, I announced I was engaged said cruelly, "who would have ever thought you'd be the first one of us to get married." I think that was the moment I realized she had never been really been my friend.
I have had true friends though. When I first moved away from home, I lived with a mother and daughter, and over time the daughter and I became good friends. We had our rough moments, she started out basically hating me and let it show. But through time, we developed a bond. And we were good friends, very good friends for years. She moved away, I moved away, but we kept our friendship alive but the phone, and then e-mail and instant messaging. Then she started dating this guy, and there were problems and issues, and she had fights with other friends, but our friendship was strong enough that I was able to point out to her where she was wrong and help her fix her friendship that had broken apart. We were what I would call kindred spirits. In the end it all worked out, she married the guy, asked me to be in her wedding - and I was still fairly thin, but then I think regardless of my size she would have asked me, etc. But more and more our friendship became about her and her marriage, her problems, her issues. I think the final straw that broke the camel's back was about 3 years ago. My husband in a two-week time period, fell at work and severly broke his leg, and we found out that he had stage 3 melanoma. It was a horrible, horrible time for me, my parents were out of the country, my sister had already heard the melodrama that had become my life and I so needed a kind ear to listen to me ball and cry, I for once in my life needed a friend more than anything in the world. So I called my friend, who I had helped through many problems and issues, and I told her about the leg and I started to tell her about the life-threatening cancer, and literally not 1-minute into the conversation she said, "XXX (her husband's name) broke his finger, I'm not sure how he's going to be able to do his job. It hurts so bad. And then....." The conversation completely was consumed by her problem, which may have been a true problem for her but was so minute in my mind to the problems I was facing I just wanted to scream. And that began the downfall of our friendship. I realized that once again, that the friendship was very one-sided. Now I barely talk to her. I avoid her e-mails. I'm still very bitter about the event. I know its time to let it go. And that is what I'm doing by this blog post, I'm attempting to let go all the things that have led to my being unhealthy.
The fact is all these years while appearing to be strong, I have been very weak. And while my weakness may not have shown through my actions with my so-called friends, I was showing it all along in my weight.
The fact of the matter is, this whole problem, is me. I am the one who tried to fit in their box, I'm the one who always had to appear strong so as to never seem weak or have problems, and lets face it, I do have a somewhat obnoxious personality. I talk to much, desparate to be heard by someone I often talk to much about myself. I always have a story to match.
I need to add that also, in the last couple of years I've really gone into a depressed mode, most likely due to the illness of my husband. It really affected me, and I felt like I couldn't show it, so I hid away. Over the last couple of years there has been one individual that has tried to reach out to me, and be my friend, but I haven't been receptive. Ironic isn't it, that the first time someone reached out to me, I hid from it. I have little in common with her, she has 4 children, I have none. Her interests and mine are complete opposite, so the conversations we have had often revolved around weight loss and diet, and quite honestly it annoyed me to death because here I am a woman 100 pounds over weight, and she maybe had 15 pounds to lose, if that. It upset me. But I know she was reaching out, and trying to help, but I couldn't see it then. In time, I will apologize to her. I will make amends. And hopefully she'll quit asking me to go shopping with her. I hate shopping! Maybe I can find something that is of interest to us both. But for now, right now, I still need to concentrate on me, and finding health in both phsyical and mental.
But these are things I'm working on, I'm trying to become a better person. And by that I'm realizing I don't WANT to or more importantly I don't NEED to fit in their box. I am who I am.
The other fact is, I don't need anyone's approval but two people, the most important, and secondly my husband. It helps of course to have the approval of one's family, but then, I've never lacked that. My family, of course, has always accepted and approved of who I am. For that, I am very thankful. I have a great family, and while they get on my nerves on occassion, and I struggle to help my sister and my mother appreciate the other - I love them all dearly and would of course do anything for them. That will always be the way.
From now on though, I am NOT seeking the approval of others just to fit in their box. I am happy with spending all my evenings and weekends with my husband. I am okay with the somewhat superficial, on the surface friendships.
So I'm giving myself approval to stop trying to fit in other people's boxes. I have my own life to live. I'm losing weight for me and my husband, to be healthy, to be active, to be fit. To not live with aches and pains. And more importantly to be strong. I haven't been strong since I was a teenager. When I first started to fit into other's boxes.
I'm hoping that this realization is a start to a whole new me. Not a different me. But the true me. The person I have always been, but have hidden.
I give myself permission to be me.
Oh and by the way, me lost 4.5 pounds last week!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Progress and Thoughts
I was excited this morning because I was able to wear a pair of pants I bought about 6 months ago, but couldn't fit into. They were on clearance, and nice looking for work, so I bought figuring I'd fit into them, as it was during one of my attempts at weight loss. This morning, they fit. I was also able to buy a smaller pant size for some capris I bought for bike riding this weekend. From Friday-Sunday we rode 32 miles. 6 on Friday, 10 Saturday, and 16 Sunday. It was quite invigorating. Tonight I hope we can ride around 9. But I'll be getting home late from work and its rather hot outside, but hope springs eternal. Mostly I hope for the extra bit tonight because today at lunch I wasn't able to go on my walk because I was needed at the office.
On our long ride on Sunday I was thinking some very deep thoughts about weight loss and my viewpoints of others, I intended to blog about them. But somewhere between my bike ride and my day at work I lost them. I'm sure they'll pop up again somewhere, and then I'll post about them.
Tomorrow is weigh-in day. We'll see hopefully I'll see movement on the scale, since I've progress in my clothing.
On our long ride on Sunday I was thinking some very deep thoughts about weight loss and my viewpoints of others, I intended to blog about them. But somewhere between my bike ride and my day at work I lost them. I'm sure they'll pop up again somewhere, and then I'll post about them.
Tomorrow is weigh-in day. We'll see hopefully I'll see movement on the scale, since I've progress in my clothing.
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