Realizations

Part of getting healthy doesn't have to do with my weight, but it has to do with my mental attitude, my true thoughts and processes. I've realized multiple things over the past few months, and I'm coming to grips with what they mean. Let me enumerate:

1. I'm not as social as I thought I was.
2. I'm overly curious about what others are thinking/doing.
3. I pay too much credence into what I think others may think of me.
4. I don't like big groups of people.
5. I tend to hold grudges too long.
6. I get bored easily.
7. I don't have that much in common with most people.
8. I can't say No.
9. I tend to be easily irritated.
10. I like to talk to others, but at the same time I don't like to talk to others.
11. I don't like advice on my personal goals and life.

What do these mean? Well by trying for years to be someone I'm not, I think it made me turn to being lazy to compensate for being somewhat unhappy. Pouring hours into watching television and knitting was a drug to me. Laziness turned into being overweight. So now, that I'm much more active and spend very little time in front of the television, its given me the time to think about things and figure out how to make sure (hopefully) that I don't wind back up where I was.

1. I used to think that I loved going to parties and hanging out with people. But I never really did. Thinking back, while some events were fun, usually I just wanted to go home, or wished it had been a smaller group playing a game of cards or a board game. Now a days, I'd rather just hang out with Nick.
2. While I've realized I'm not social, I do wonder about what other people are doing, what is going on in their lives, etc. Is this an oxymoron? When I hear people talking low I wonder what it is they or who they are talking about. It goes right along with number 3 as often I'm convinced they are talking about me in some negative way. I'm learning to curve this, but its a natural instinct I fear and one we probably all suffer from, but hopefully in time, by working in conjunction with number 3 I'll come to some significant middle ground.
3. While I try not to worry about what people think of me, I do worry about it. And by trying to not care, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. But all the while, I really did care. So I'm learning to accept that not everyone will like me, not everyone will hate me, many will have no opinion of me at all, and the only good opinion I need is the two most important beings in my life.
4. I just don't. I'd rather be alone, with Nick, or possibly with a maximum of 4 people if we are playing cards or a board game. But honestly, my favorite time is when its Nick and I.
5. I never realized, but I really hold grudges too long. When people hurt me, I just don't let it go. I need to find a resolution to this as its just not a healthy place to be. I need to learn to let bygones be bygones, and continue forth with life releasing all the negative things that have happened and focus on the present and the future. But as with most things we need to work on in life, this is difficult. BUt I will overcome this weakness.
6. Yep, I get bored very easily. With knitting projects, with activities, with conversations. I guess it'd be that I have a short attention span. Knitting has helped this, projects can be ardously long. But I still do get bored easily. I'm not sure how to conquer this, but i'll figure it out.
7. I tend to walk to the beat of a different drummer (hee hee, that drummer is NIck I suppose). I just have such different ways of looking at things that I don't understand other people very well. I'm goofy, and odd, I like to laugh and make fun of myself and lets face it others too (strangers not people I know, I don't make fun of the people I know - unless of course they do something really dingy - and then its in silence). I'm just a big goof, and for a girl, I don't like girly things. I don't like makeup and fixing up my hair, I'd rather wear jeans then a dress, lets face it, I'm a tomboy grown up. Thankfully my husband loves that about me.
8. I just can't. I will always help someone when they ask. I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but sometimes it does cause me to be annoyed at people when they ask me for help, and when they don't give the same consideration back to me. So I guess its a good thing that can cause negativity. I need to work on finding a balance, truly analyzing a situation before I say yes, and allowing myself to say the word No.
9. I do. I get irritated by others daily. And even with Nick. This I truly need to work on. Because its not healthy, and then I hold a grudge, and boy oh boy the cycle just begins again. I tend to hold people to too high a standard, I need to learn to relax that and even when people don't live up to my expectations, learn to deal with that. And if its truly something wrong in life, then just learn to distance myself from that individual and move on.
10. While I like to talk to people, I'd rather not talk to people at the same time. AGain, I'm confusing myself. But I find I get bored with talking and conversations, and then I babble, and I hate that about myself. I need to learn to keep conversations short, to the point, and if I realy don't have anything to say, to excuse myself and walk away.
11. While it may seem that I want advice because I write all this down, I don't. Me blogging is about me getting my feelings out on paper. Its a healthy outlet. Its part of learning to not hold grudges. I get my feelings out and then I try and move on. But I absolutely hate advice from people! I'm not talking about counsel, I'm just talking about advice. Like well if you do this exercise, you'll get this, and have you tried only eating chestnuts. Its the best diet in the world. I suppose if I don't want advice, I shouldn't write things down in the public forum. That would be the wisest course of action, but I'm not claiming to be wise today.

So those are my thoughts and realizations for this week. Feel free to give me advice, but know this, I probably won't listen. After all I'm learning to say No. :-)