I Don't Fit In a Box

This post, as a warning, will be heavy in whining, and complaining, and may sound bitter. But it is a discovery I've made in the past few weeks that I want to put on paper. It helped me define why after losing so much weight, I gained it back several years ago. It helped me understand the way to make this program work and hopefully end in a healthy individual who stays healthy over time. It may also sound anti-social and despondent, but I assure you it is not. It may also sound quite full of myself and snobbish, but then that may also be the whole point. You will discover why as you read further.

My entire life I have been trying to stuff myself into a box that others created. The others being friends, society, class-mates, acquaintences, people in general. It is a box that I just don't fit in. But nonetheless I tried, I tried being the friend everyone loved and thought highly of, but what I succeeded at was being the person that everyone took advantage of, asked "favors" of, depended on to take care of them and their needs, but never once gave a second thought about. I was the person everyone seemed to like, but the person that when I wasn't around people made fun of, talked poorly about, or even worse wasn't thought of at all. This isn't just my imagination, although some of it may be, but I actually had people tell me about how others talked about me. Which of course has only made my bitterness worse over the years.

But nonetheless I continued to try, and try and try to please my friends and the people around me. I was always ready to jump and help anyone in need. Sure, I've never made a quilt before but because you asked me to do it, I'll figured out a way to do it. No problem, you need me to fix your computer, make your travel arrangements, prepare some paperwork for you. Oh definitely I'll help you plan your wedding, I'll coordinate the food, I'll do this, do that, whatever it takes just be my friend. (By the way, much of this goes back many many years. But I realized this week that it still haunts me.) But rarely with all these people I was trying to impress, to "force" by kindness from me into being my friend, didn't reciprocate the kindness. I so wanted to be in several of my "friends" weddings. But no, I was too fat for them. I didn't fit into their box of what a bridesmaid should look like. Although I was quite good at spending way to much money on gifts.

I feel now that I have merely been "tolerated" by my so-called friends in life. And now that I don't fit into their ideal of a woman, and don't have children, I am no longer even tolerated. And I can't deny that this hasn't hurt. It has, and I think was the catalyst that pushed me back to being overweight. Although I didn't realize this until a few weeks ago. I've been trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course there were other things, stress, family deaths, etc. but I think I realized even when I got very, very thin, that the friendships didn't change. That even though I changed my body to fit into their box, I still didn't fit. I never would.

The fact is, I'm different. I have a different way of looking at life, even among those that share the same basic values and principles. And the fundamentals are common, I don't think girls should be vain, I think intelligence is more valuable then looks, and I think being nice to everyone is a good quality. I think being critical of others is wrong and I think everyone is equal. (this is the part I come across as a snob)

I thought as I got older, and they in turn, that those in my environment would "mature", when they started having children maybe they would be the people I thought was in them, that maybe finally they would see the value in me. But I was wrong. Maybe they have matured, but they have now left me in their dust where I feel like when they honor me with their precense that I should just feel grateful for the charity they are so honorably bestowing upon me.

The truth of the matter is, I've been wrong a very large portion of my life. I should have never tried to fit into their box. I should have realized that our personalities just never would mesh, and that I'd be better off developing friendships in a more fruitful way. That I didn't have to overwhelm people with generousity and doing "favors", that I didn't have to force myself into a box I would never fit. Maybe I doomed every friendship I ever tried to develop by having too high of expectations, or maybe I just am the type of person that really only needs one true friend, and I should have known I wouldn't ever have that until I met my husband. I'm not sure how I could have done it better. I'm not sure really who is at fault. But the fact is the problems and the responsibility fall flatly on my shoulders. I should have identified this years ago, and maybe I did, but just didn't want to see it.

Don't think I've been completely friendless, I've had "friends", even those I would call true friends at different points. But I've had a lot of very negative friendships too. For instance, one friend from my childhood, when 13 years ago, I announced I was engaged said cruelly, "who would have ever thought you'd be the first one of us to get married." I think that was the moment I realized she had never been really been my friend.

I have had true friends though. When I first moved away from home, I lived with a mother and daughter, and over time the daughter and I became good friends. We had our rough moments, she started out basically hating me and let it show. But through time, we developed a bond. And we were good friends, very good friends for years. She moved away, I moved away, but we kept our friendship alive but the phone, and then e-mail and instant messaging. Then she started dating this guy, and there were problems and issues, and she had fights with other friends, but our friendship was strong enough that I was able to point out to her where she was wrong and help her fix her friendship that had broken apart. We were what I would call kindred spirits. In the end it all worked out, she married the guy, asked me to be in her wedding - and I was still fairly thin, but then I think regardless of my size she would have asked me, etc. But more and more our friendship became about her and her marriage, her problems, her issues. I think the final straw that broke the camel's back was about 3 years ago. My husband in a two-week time period, fell at work and severly broke his leg, and we found out that he had stage 3 melanoma. It was a horrible, horrible time for me, my parents were out of the country, my sister had already heard the melodrama that had become my life and I so needed a kind ear to listen to me ball and cry, I for once in my life needed a friend more than anything in the world. So I called my friend, who I had helped through many problems and issues, and I told her about the leg and I started to tell her about the life-threatening cancer, and literally not 1-minute into the conversation she said, "XXX (her husband's name) broke his finger, I'm not sure how he's going to be able to do his job. It hurts so bad. And then....." The conversation completely was consumed by her problem, which may have been a true problem for her but was so minute in my mind to the problems I was facing I just wanted to scream. And that began the downfall of our friendship. I realized that once again, that the friendship was very one-sided. Now I barely talk to her. I avoid her e-mails. I'm still very bitter about the event. I know its time to let it go. And that is what I'm doing by this blog post, I'm attempting to let go all the things that have led to my being unhealthy.

The fact is all these years while appearing to be strong, I have been very weak. And while my weakness may not have shown through my actions with my so-called friends, I was showing it all along in my weight.

The fact of the matter is, this whole problem, is me. I am the one who tried to fit in their box, I'm the one who always had to appear strong so as to never seem weak or have problems, and lets face it, I do have a somewhat obnoxious personality. I talk to much, desparate to be heard by someone I often talk to much about myself. I always have a story to match.

I need to add that also, in the last couple of years I've really gone into a depressed mode, most likely due to the illness of my husband. It really affected me, and I felt like I couldn't show it, so I hid away. Over the last couple of years there has been one individual that has tried to reach out to me, and be my friend, but I haven't been receptive. Ironic isn't it, that the first time someone reached out to me, I hid from it. I have little in common with her, she has 4 children, I have none. Her interests and mine are complete opposite, so the conversations we have had often revolved around weight loss and diet, and quite honestly it annoyed me to death because here I am a woman 100 pounds over weight, and she maybe had 15 pounds to lose, if that. It upset me. But I know she was reaching out, and trying to help, but I couldn't see it then. In time, I will apologize to her. I will make amends. And hopefully she'll quit asking me to go shopping with her. I hate shopping! Maybe I can find something that is of interest to us both. But for now, right now, I still need to concentrate on me, and finding health in both phsyical and mental.

But these are things I'm working on, I'm trying to become a better person. And by that I'm realizing I don't WANT to or more importantly I don't NEED to fit in their box. I am who I am.

The other fact is, I don't need anyone's approval but two people, the most important, and secondly my husband. It helps of course to have the approval of one's family, but then, I've never lacked that. My family, of course, has always accepted and approved of who I am. For that, I am very thankful. I have a great family, and while they get on my nerves on occassion, and I struggle to help my sister and my mother appreciate the other - I love them all dearly and would of course do anything for them. That will always be the way.

From now on though, I am NOT seeking the approval of others just to fit in their box. I am happy with spending all my evenings and weekends with my husband. I am okay with the somewhat superficial, on the surface friendships.

So I'm giving myself approval to stop trying to fit in other people's boxes. I have my own life to live. I'm losing weight for me and my husband, to be healthy, to be active, to be fit. To not live with aches and pains. And more importantly to be strong. I haven't been strong since I was a teenager. When I first started to fit into other's boxes.

I'm hoping that this realization is a start to a whole new me. Not a different me. But the true me. The person I have always been, but have hidden.

I give myself permission to be me.

Oh and by the way, me lost 4.5 pounds last week!